Open with some lips singing “Science Fiction Double Feature”. This is the auto-tuned karaoke version of the song, as performed by a fifth grader. The opening credits tells us that this is the “The Rocky Horror Glee Show”, even though the show’s traditional title screen announcing that this is just “Glee” will come on in a few minutes.
CUT TO:
RACHEL and FINN are onstage singing “Over at the Frankenstein Place”. Because this is a surprisingly good rendition of a lesser-known song, it has to be cut short so that the sucking can commence. Will watches from the auditorium, even though he's IN the show, so he should probably be getting ready or something.
John Stamos stops the performance to embarrass himself, which is really saying something considering what John Stamos has done in his career. But he’s sooooooo good looking so it’s ok.
John Stamos: Hey! Will! You’re trying to get with my girl!
Will makes a stupid face. He might be A) showing how awkward and uncomfortable he feels B) remembering that he cast himself in this show, so he should probably be in costume and backstage, or C) shocked that John Stamos has just now realized that Will is after his girl.
Will’s inner monologue begins.
WILL (I.M): How did this all happen! My plan was perfect. I was going to put on a full-budget production of The Rocky Horror Show without enough actors for a school that has repeatedly punished me for allowing sexually explicit material to be performed, and have the entire show staged, designed, choreographed, and rehearsed in one week. Also, isn’t one of my cast members a single mother? Or did we just sort of forget about that? Anyway, it’s time to show you how we got to this arbitrary point of contention that isn’t actually the climax of the story.
CUT TO:
Will and Emma are having lunch together, because this show believes that adults only ever discuss anything over lunch.
EMMA: Carl has cured me of my mental disorders! He did it by bringing me to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
WILL: Yeah? Well, my Glee club is going to put on an entire staged production of “The Rocky Horror Show”!
EMMA: Oh how nice! Well, anyway, we also went to see “The Passion of the Christ”. It’s my favorite movie.
WILL: Oh really? Well, the Glee club is going to stage a cross country rendition of the Passion, starting at the baseball field and ending on Golgotha’s Rock. We’re actually going to crucify three cast members.
EMMA: Oh, that’s nice. We also went to see Avatar. It was so much fun!
WILL: My Glee club is going to write and produce the sequel to Avatar, get James Cameron to declare it canon, and win the Best Picture Oscar he never received. I’m going to play a Na’Vi.
EMMA: Do you have some sort of ulterior motive in doing all of this?
WILL: No. Because I say I don’t.
Will then tears off his shirt and starts screaming for attention. Everyone in the cafeteria considers calling 911, but instead cowers in silence.
CUT TO:
The classroom. All Glee club members are present.
WILL: We’re going to do the Rocky Horror Show!
MEMBER (
it doesn’t matter who says it. Seriously. Give this line to anyone.): I don’t know what that show is, because I’m like, 16.
WILL: It’s a classic. Everyone loves the Rocky Horror Show!
And because WILL says it is so, it is so. Excited murmuring indicates how happy everyone is to be doing a show that is mostly famous for being terrible.
WILL: Now tell me what role you want, and I’ll give it to you because making actual casting choices makes me puke blood.
Rachel and Finn will be Brad and Janet, because they fit those roles.
Kurt will not play Frank N. Furter, because he would fit that role.
Sam will play the monster, because he’s blonde.
So Mike will play Frank N. Furter, because…he’s the only male left.
More than one person will play Columbia, because…what?
Quinn will play Magenta because she used to be pregnant…I guess. I don’t know.
The kid in the wheelchair will play the guy in the wheelchair, even though he’s a shitty actor. He’s not a shitty actor because he’s handicapped, he’s just a shitty actor.
WILL: Yay! NOW LOVE ME CHILDREN! LOVE MEEEEE!
CUT TO:
SUE says something dry and witty. It is similar to what conservatives say on the planet that Ryan Murphy comes from.
CUT TO:
MEAT LOAF and BARRY BOSTWICK show up to give Rocky Horror fans boners. Their only other purpose is to make everyone else wonder why Glee brought in such awful actors to play boring, unfunny characters we’ve never seen before. SUE is there too, to be dry and witty and intimidating.
MEAT LOAF: We need you to make sure Rocky Horror gets performed so that you can talk about how awful and immoral it is!
SUE: Why wouldn’t we just shut it down, since we think it’s awful and immoral?
BARRY BOSTWICK: Something something something you’ll get a local emmy.
SUE: Sold!
SUE does something intimidating.
CUT TO:
RACHEL and FINN have a scene, because they’re allegedly the main characters. It has nothing to do with anything.
CUT TO:
“Dammit Janet” is performed. Again, it is kind of good, so we have to interrupt it halfway through for some more bullshit.
SUE pulls WILL aside.
SUE: I want to be in the show.
WILL: There is absolutely nothing suspicious about this. I am a gullible moron. You can be in it.
SUE: I can rewrite the show now.
WILL: That’s…that’s kind of illegal. It's an owned property and we have a contract to perform it as is. We might get sued…
SUE: Ha ha! “Sued”. That’s like my name.
WILL: Well, the joke’s on you, because we’re never going to actually show you playing the role I just cast you in!
WILL then starts poking SUE and meowing, hoping that she’ll feed him.
CUT TO:
MIKE talking to WILL.
MIKE: So my parents don’t want me playing a transvestite.
WILL: HOW could I not SEE this COMING!?!?!??! Everything is SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!!!
WILL looks directly into the camera, with a big, silly “jeepers creepers” smile on his face, and shrugs his shoulders.
THE DIRECTOR: Matthew, stop that.
CUT TO:
SUE, JOHN STAMOS, and EMMA are all having a conversation. It really doesn’t matter where. Seriously.
SUE: John Stamo-I mean Carl! We have to cast you in this show!
JOHN STAMOS: Ok. I AM incredibly handsome.
WILL walks in.
WILL: What’s all this about?
SUE: John Stamos is going to be in our show!
WILL: John Stamos?! Oh my god! That’s amazing!
SUE: Wait, did I say John Stamos? I meant Carl. Yes. Carl.
WILL: WHAT!?!!??! (breaks a vase) CARL!?!?!? I HATE CARL!!!!! He has to audition!
JOHN STAMOS: Well, I mean, if I need to audition, you could always just hold open auditions to the entire school, or even the community. I’m sure there’s somebody else who wants to…
THE DIRECTOR: John, just stay on script please.
Cut to:
JOHN STAMOS sings and dances in front of the entire club. It is terrible.
THE ENTIRE CLUB: That was so great!!!!!!! We don’t understand that not all music is great!!!!!!
WILL: Fine. I’m going to cast you in a highly sexual role with a bunch of teenagers. However, I can’t cast you as Frank N. Furter so we still don’t have a show, making this entire musical number completely irrelevant to the plot.
MERCEDES: I want to play Frank N. Furter.
WILL: That’s a really stupid idea, and this is coming from the guy who agreed to a Madonna theme week.
MERCEDES: But a line in the Rocky Horror Script has some vague, tenuous relationship to what I’m experiencing in my life. Therefore, I want to play this role that was clearly not written for an unsexy female gospel singer. If we were doing “Sweeney Todd”, I would want to play Sweeney Todd.
WILL: Sold!
CUT TO:
“Sweet Transvestite” with MERCEDES as Frank N. Furter happens. Tim Curry is more ashamed of this than of “Congo”.
THE ENTIRE CLUB: That was great!!!!!!!!
GLEE FANS WORLDWIDE: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THIS IS TEH BEST!!!!1!!!!!
CUT TO:
WILL and EMMA are in an arbitrary room. Just…a room.
WILL: I talked Sam out of playing the monster.
EMMA: Why? He was really looking forward to it.
WILL: I know. I’m just a selfish pig. I’m going to play the monster. Want to help me rehearse?
EMMA: I have a condition where I am completely insensible to men’s attempts at taking advantage of me. Therefore, yes I will
WILL: Good. I really need to rehearse a scene where I just stand here and you writhe around sexily.
EMMA: This sounds like a completely professional use of our time.
EMMA sings “Touch-a Touch me” and rips WILL’s shirt off, because she doesn’t understand how rehearsing works. All of the ears in America die of sadness. EMMA finishes the song and runs out of the room, embarrassed. WILL looks directly at the camera.
WILL: OMG, THINGZ ARE GOING SO WRONG YOU GUYZZZ!!!! WOOPILY SCOOPILY!!!!!!
He makes a silly face at the camera. Then he rips his pants off and does a silly dance. Everything is so silly! Oh that Will!
Cut to:
@#!$%!#!@!$!&$**&!& WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS HORRIBLE SHIT!!!!!! WHEN DID GLEE SUDDENLY TURN INTO SUCH A HORRIBLE PIECE OF COMMERCIAL HACK WORK!?!!?! WHY IS LEA MICHELE ON THE COVER OF VANITY FAIR!?!?!?! WHY AM I CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY AND RIPPING MY ARM HAIR OUT?!?!?!!? WHAT IS THIS SHOW DOING TO MEEEEE!?!?!?!
Cut to:
WILL goes into THAT PRINCIPAL GUY’s office. FINN is there.
WILL: What’s going on?
PRINCIPAL: Finn is suspended!
WILL: Don’t suspend Finn!
PRINCIPAL: Okay.
THIS SHOW WON AN EMMY AND COMMUNITY DIDN’T EVEN GET A NOMINATION?!?!!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, AMERICA!!!!!!
Cut to:
Oh good, we’re back at that scene from the beginning. You know, when they interrupted “Over at the Frankenstein Place” so that we could have a flashback. This is what the entire episode has been building up to. This is the suspenseful moment that we've been waiting the entire episode to see resolved. This is really gonna be an epic confrontation, folks!
JOHN STAMOS: Hey! Will! You’re trying to get with my girl!
WILL: Sorry. Are you going to quit the show?
JOHN STAMOS: No.
WILL: Ok.
…….
WHAT THE F…….
Cut to:
BECKY the retarded girl enters WILL’s office.
BECKY: Sue’s trying to sabotage your show.
WILL: Nooooo I don’t believe that.
BECKY: Are you…are you really surprised? I mean, she’s tried to stop pretty much everything you’ve ever tried to accomplish in your life.
WILL: She’s not up to anything. Don’t be such a retard.
Long pause.
………
Long pause.
WILL: I meant, stop being so retarded.
BECKY: I have a tape to prove it.
WILL: WHAT!?!?!
WILL, rather than freak out and break something, puts on his disappointed puppy dog face and tears up a little. After all, there's only ten minutes left in the episode, and WILL hasn't been disappointed with anyone.
Cut to:
WILL talking to EMMA in an auditorium. Because…where else?
WILL: So I cancelled the show. I was just doing it to impress you.
EMMA: What?! Seriously?!!? I did NOT see that coming.
WILL: Yeah. I’m really sorry. But I learned my lesson. I shouldn’t deprive you of the only thing that makes you happy just because I want to jump your bones.
EMMA: Really? You just learned that?
WILL: Yeah. I’ll probably forget about it in a week, too.
EMMA: Remember when we kissed at the end of the first season one finale? You know, before those other nine episodes that turned you into a total jerk? Remember when that was actually really sweet and touching, and a really moving depiction of two desperately unhappy people finding a fleeting but beautiful moment of solace together?
WILL: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was too busy coming up with wacky schemes for my Glee club.
EMMA: Oh.
WILL: I love you.
EMMA: See you later! This incident will have no long term effects on our friendship at all!
She leaves.
Cut to:
The entire club does “The Time Warp”.
Because it is terrible, they show the entire thing.
Nothing about their staging, choreography, or casting makes any sense. The singing is autotuned and soulless. By attempting to make Rocky Horror sound polished and professional, they have destroyed the ironic enjoyment that can be gleaned from listening to it. Nothing about this is enjoyable, even on an ironic level. The cast doesn’t even seem to be having any sort of fun; they just look like androids programmed to simulate the motions of human beings having fun.
Glee’s soul makes a final, desperate squeal for help, and then disappears into darkness forever.
Itunes writes Ryan Murphy a check for ten billion dollars.
The end.
