I hate California Gurls

"California Gu(i)rls": This song is utterly atrocious, and if you like it, then your subjective opinion is objectively wrong. Also, your head should be examined, preferably after it’s been removed from your body.

I’m sorry, I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. Now that my blunt, gut reaction to this miserable louse of a song is on the table, I can now step back and express exactly what about it makes my ears bleed.

First of all, everyone knows this, but the song IS pretty much Tik-Tok by Ke$#@, or K&Z$!-!^ or whoever. There, I said it. No need to elaborate, because everybody else has already noticed.

Second of all, I don’t mind Katy Perry as a singer, but I get the impression that she is almost entirely auto-tuned and doesn’t really have much natural singing ability (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDebwTnsud0). Her main strengths seem to be looking like Zooey Deschanel and having a cute personality. “I Kissed a Girl” kind of works, because it plays off of that quirky, fun personality. She doesn’t sing it brilliantly, but in terms of attitude she sells it pretty well. That’s saying a lot considering the acting ability of most pop starlets.

“California Gurls”, however, is clearly written solely to get Katy Perry to say sexual things. It’s not a big surprise, really. This is how 90% of the music of today is produced. It’s catchy enough that morons will be able to sing along with it at parties, and that’s about all that’s required of it. There’s nothing creative about it. It doesn’t just sound like “Tik Tok”, it sounds like every pop single released in the past five years.

But you didn’t come here to hear me talk about the unchanging, monotonous rhythm, Katy Perry’s lack of vocal range, or the utterly horrid music video set in candyland. I’m not a music expert, and I don’t give a shit about music videos. I know enough to get by, but I’d much rather shit all over the idiotic lyrics that this piece of tripe tries to pretend is the English language.

Let’s go through it piece by piece, shall we?

“I know a place/where the grass is really greener”

Than what?

Are you referencing that old idiom about the grass on the other side of the fence? If so, than is that really what California, the entire state, prides itself on? Its green grass? Whatever, maybe it’s kind of poetic in a third-grader kind of way, so I’ll let it go.

“Warm, wet and wild/there must be something in the water”

Wait, isn’t “there must be something in the water” usually something you say to disparage a place? For example:

Todd goes to New York to find that everybody there is a pushy, self-centered asshat. As Todd is hit square in the face with an egg the second he steps out of his car carrying his brooks-brothers suitcase, he shrugs his shoulders with the gracious acceptance of Job, and sadly muses “there must be something in the water”. And then his suitcase is stolen by a skateboarding hooligan.

The whole point of water is that you don’t want things in it. You just want water. Moving on.

“You could travel the world/but nothing comes close to the golden coast”

I skipped ahead a bit, to the one part of the song that actually sounds nice, melodically speaking. On the other hand, it also sounds like something Jason Bateman’s character in “Juno” would be hired to write for the state of California; a stupid, shallow jingle filled with jingoisms and clichés. Here, Juno Bateman explains to us thick pillocks that no matter where you travel to in the entire world, you will not find a place exactly the same as the golden coast, or possibly California as a whole (it’s not really clear which he means, although if he thinks that there are no coasts like California’s coast, than he has never left the state). He doesn’t tell us if we would be travelling the world looking specifically for a place like California, just that we wouldn’t find such a place. Does that make it the best place? We don’t know, because we don’t know what would make it so superior or in what sense it would be superior. So really, we’re left with an empty cliché, designed to excite the easily stimulated puppy-dog part of our brain, and silence the frowning schoolmarm part of our brain that does most of our thinking and reasoning.

“California girls (gurls)/we’re unforgettable”

I hate the title of this song. It’s like somebody is trying to sing the superior Beach Boys song “California Girls” while throwing up. Also, this chorus is horrid and I’m so happy I made it this far.

“Daisy Dukes/Bikinis on top”

Wait, what is the bikini on top of?

Is it on top of the Daisy Dukes? Are you wearing your bikini bottoms over your Daisy Dukes? That probably looks really stupid. You probably look like a crazy person.

“Sun-kissed skin so hot/ We’ll melt your popsicle”

Wait, your skin is so hot you’ll melt my popsicle? That’s really mean. I was enjoying that popsicle.

So I was eating a popsicle on the beach, minding my own business, when an army of slutty girls wearing their bikini bottoms over their daisy dukes ran up to me, grabbed my popsicle, and started rubbing it all over themselves. I was instantly disgusted by this, because not only was my popsicle melting, the girls were getting sticky and sugary (not in a good way). I walked away, hoping to find a road so that I could hitch a ride back to the East Coast.

“California Girls/We’re undeniable”

“Wait!” Screamed the sluts, flashing their breasts for attention. “You cannot deny us! We are undeniable!” “What does that mean?” I helplessly screamed back. “A person can’t be undeniable! A fact or statement can be undeniable, or I can deny you a thing, or I can deny you in the sense that Peter denied Jesus, but a person can’t be deniable or undeniable!”

“Fine, fresh, fierce/we got it unlocked!”

The girls than began chewing on their own hands whilst frothing at the mouth. “We got it unlocked!” “What?” I shouted back, but they had already begun rushing towards me with a look of sex-crazed hunger in their eyes. I ran for my life.

“West coast represent/now put your hands up”

Would somebody please tell California that it’s not the entire west coast? There are a few more states to go, not to mention Mexico and Canada, before we’ve got the entire west coast.

Anyway, this horrible chorus is almost over. There’s one more line to save this idiotic mass of rambling from the shit factory. What have you got for us, K.P?

“Ohh ohhhhhhhhh!!!!”

Fuck this song.

Oh, by the way; it’s about sex.

The Grandpa Show!!!!!!

Excerpt from my Book: "How to Poop in Public"

Chapter 6

Now the question arises; what if you don’t have diarrhea? What if it’s a good, cold, solid poop that can’t be covered up as “spilt coffee” or “a mud puddle mishap”? Well, there are several scenarios where this sort of event can happen.

The first situation we will cover is the subway. You are sitting next to a stranger on a crowded subway. You may or may not have planned to poop in advance, but the course of action is the same regardless.

Only if you are extremely comfortable with pooping in public should you announce your poop to the person sitting next to you; e.g., “I am going to poop”, or possibly “I have pooped” if the event in question has already occurred. Otherwise, follow these vital guidelines.

If you expect to be pooping on this subway ride, make sure you smile and say hello to the person you sit next to. This will establish an air of familiarity so that in the event that your poop is noticed, the stranger will be less inclined to react with revulsion, and more inclined to feel bad for you. If you do not expect to be pooping, it would not be inadvisable to do this anyway, just in case.

Now that you are seated comfortably, let’s say you poop your pants about halfway through the ride. It is a half-hour ride, so you should expect to have poopy pants for more at least 15 minutes; more if you have not brought along your emergency trousers (see chapter 3).

Once you have pooped your pants, if you do not want the stranger sitting next to you to notice, you need to cover for 3 uh-ohs (as opposed to the 2 uh-ohs of the previous chapters). You need to cover up the SMELL, the SIGHT, and the TOUCH.

The SMELL is covered by any of the techniques from the previous chapters (best choice: point out the oldest person in the vicinity and make conversation about “old person smell”). The SIGHT is somewhat different, as you are dealing with a solid poo. There are two anecdotes you can slip into conversation to cover the sight of a solid poo poking out of your pants.

“So I’ve been trying to genetically engineer myself a tail, recently…”
“Old people smell terrible. It’s probably because they’re dying. I have a giant tumor on my rear end.”

Alternatively, you can bounce up and down in your seat as part of your “pilates course”. This will hopefully flatten the poo enough for you to look inconspicuous.

The unique aspect of this kind of poo is the TOUCH. Solid poo has a very distinct feel to it. The only solution is to make sure nobody touches your butt. NOBODY. If anybody does, it’s game over. You’ve failed to poop in public.

Now, you may be wondering what to do if subway security gives you a cavity search at the end of the ride. Well, to find out, proceed to chapter 7….

Carl Spinney: Episode 2

Carl Spinney: Episode 1

Super Mario Brothers: A Freudian Hellscape

Who doesn't love Super Mario? Since 1983, the Mario brothers have been the face of the video gaming industry. No matter how violent, mature, or artistic games get, Mario will always be the smiling face we think of when we hear the phrase "video game".

But what the hell is Super Mario about? Why is a plumber murdering turtles and dragons in a land of castles and princesses in the first place?

What if the whole thing is about.....sex?

Not just sex, though...Some of the most twisted, repressed sexual frustrations ever presented in popular culture. The dark subconscious of the adolescent mind. The Freudian hellscape of the dream world.

To begin this exploration into the darkness of the plumber's subconscious, let's first examine our protagonist.

Mario

Just who IS Mario? Let's take a good look:



This is Mario, pre-mushroom. He is small in stature, almost like a child. He wears overalls and a baseball cap, not terribly unlike the average pre-pubescent child of the 1980s. But he is not quite a child; the pubic moustache embracing his upper lip shows signs of a desire to mature-to move past the infant reliance on the mother. What we see in Mario is the trappings of pre-pubescence, with an awareness of one's own sexuality; someone who is arrested in a child-like state of repression, but with a buried need to mature sexually.



But then comes the mushroom. When Mario takes the mushroom, he becomes Super Mario (named after the super-ego). He is realized as a functioning adult, but he is still defenseless. Physically, he has matured, but emotionally he is still fragile, and the slightest bit of damage can cause him to revert to his child-like state. He is abducted by adolescence; forced to grow before he is prepared. He is the repressed individual.



With the fire plant, Mario finally finds release. He has grown physically, but is unafraid to release the orgasmic fire that threatens to consume him from within (most likely through masturbation, or possibly nighttime ejaculation). He is the fully realized sexual being; conquering all of the obstacles in his path with confidence. However, a strong enough force can still revert him to his child-like state.

But just what is it that could cause our repressed adolescent to shrink into his impotent state of repression?

The Enemies, Or: The Freudian Nightmares

Okay, I know what you're thinking. This is all pretty much elementary school level stuff, right? There's nothing REALLY sexual going on in Mario; it's all just a bunch of 12-year olds snickering about Mario getting "bigger" when he takes "shrooms".

You think that's where this crazy sexual subconscious stuff stops? Well, with the bad guys, things start getting pretty fucked up. If you found the last section to be uncomfortable and titillating, you should probably stop reading right now.

Now hand me that chapstick and pull down your brain-pants, because I am about to blow your mind.


The Goomba is the most overtly sexual of Mario's enemies. It's design is based off of the shiitake mushroom, yes, but it's flesh-colored center and slightly darker tip imply something more akin to a very angry phallus. Furthermore, in dream analysis, mushrooms generally signify unhealthy pleasures. Why do these walking phalluses threaten the repressed Mario? I think the most likely explanation is that they represent other males as competition; Mario fears the competition of larger penises in his quest for sexual satisfaction. They are the confident, sexually active, but mentally inferior males who threaten to separate Mario from possible sexual conquests. But more disturbingly, they are temptation for the repressed Mario to give up his chaste ways. If this is Mario's dream land, than maybe they represent the jocks from his high school years, or a sexy gang of rival plumbers.



The Koopa is an oddity among Mario's enemies. At first glance, he seems non-threatening, almost frightened and confused, as though uncertain as to why he is being sent out into the kingdom to murder a hyperactive plumber. However, if we look at the Koopa as a symbol, and not a character, the mystery fades. Look at the phallic nature of the Koopa. Really drink it in. He is even more blatantly phallic than the Goomba. Even more frustratingly, he cannot be truly killed (except by a fireball, which-remember-represents orgasmic release), signifying that he is somehow a part of Mario's psyche, and not simply an external disturbance. The turtle in dream analysis represents "self-protection, hiding, withdrawing, fear of social interaction or showing one's true self". Koopa represents Mario's own fear of social interaction, which in turn serves as an obstacle in his sexual quest. Alternately, at the very least, Koopa is some sort of stimulus that causes Mario's withdrawal from society, perhaps a bad memory. The phallic imagery might demonstrate that that bad memory is an incident of molestation or sexual abuse from an older male. Is Mario's past more dark and troubled than we ever imagined?


This is the most disturbing sexual symbol in the entire gang, and if you don't believe me, just compare it's appearance to any other enemy in the game. The piranha plant is an eyeless monstrosity, desperately gnashing at an escape route from the phallus it is trapped in-a phallus trapping a phallus. The darkness and depravity on display here is mind-boggling. The design of the piranha plant is similar to that of H.R Giger's alien.

What was the imagery being implied in Giger's alien? That of homosexual oral rape. The phallus being consumed by something that is both an orifice and a phallus. This evokes painful emotion because it represents to us the betrayal of a father figure. Remember when I said that the Koopa implied an instance of sexual abuse in Mario's past? Well, the piranha plant shows us a little more clearly what the circumstances surrounding that abuse were.

The horror.

And finally, there's Bowser. With him, we get the answers we've been seeking. Bowser is the ultimate proof of Mario's Oedipal complex. He is the full realization of the Koopa; the cause of Mario's social insecurity. He is the father figure, depriving Mario of the loving sexual relationship with the mother figure (Princess Toadstool) with his own advances. It is the goal of Mario's sexual quest to destroy the father figure through the use of fire (symbolizing the phoenix-like total destruction of the father to make way for the new male figure) and an axe (symbolizing the castration of the father, allowing Mario exclusive access to the mother).

But why is Bowser-the father figure-so closely associated with the Koopa? Because there is some sort of memory linked with him that causes Mario to shrivel. He is the demonic phallus, a sort of masculine form of vagina dentata. What does this mean?

Mario was raped by his father.

More to come.