April 29, 2011
April 22, 2011
What Will Happen After Next Week's The Office
The last episode of The Office to feature Michael Scott is next week. Judging by the past few episodes, here is how his exit will go down, and how NBC's comedy lineup will suffer as a result.
Next week's episode will attempt to claw tears from the eyes of the viewer as every character completely forgets that Michael is an inconsiderate buffoon. Because the writers don't really understand human emotion, characters will treat what would in reality be a mildly sad event like it is a tragedy on the scale of the holocaust. Each character will have a confessional where they admit that they've always liked Michael, even when they didn't. Even Toby will grudgingly admit that he likes Michael and admires his style. Toby and Michael will settle their differences and part ways on good terms, enraging everybody who has been watching the show since Season 2.
At least one person will admit that they had a crush on Michael. It will probably be Pam, which will create a false sense of tension between her and Jim, setting up a conflict in the coming episodes. This will be done solely to keep people watching even after Michael has left.
There will be a big "wham" moment where one main cast member reveals that they have cancer, are the Scranton Strangler, will be replacing Michael, or all three. Will Ferrell will continue to have nothing to do, and will most likely announce that he just doesn't feel comfortable replacing somebody as savior-like as Michael Scott.
Despite all of these absurdly overblown plot twists, ratings for The Office will drop almost immediately. The show will continue, but it will no longer be NBC's flagship comedy, and as a result, ratings for 30 Rock, Community, and Parks and Recreation will also drop.
30 Rock will attempt to take the place of The Office. NBC will bombard us with promotions for the latest, craziest episode. Alec Baldwin will announce that he is leaving the show, and NBC will try to hype his exit to the same degree that they hyped Steve Carell's exit. This being 30 Rock, however, most of the transitional period before Baldwin's exit will be spent making fun of TV shows that use a main character's exit as a way to promote ratings. 30 Rock will subvert expectations by having every character talk about how much they disliked Jack Donaghy, and how happy they are that he's leaving. There will be a cute couple of "final scenes" between Liz and Jack, but not much else. NBC, however, will overhype this exit as well, in a desperate attempt to save their thursday night lineup.
Community and Parks and Rec will have one or two more quality seasons, and then call it quits as their ratings drop. They will each go out on a dignified note while 30 Rock and The Office turn into over-produced laugh machines that die horrible, embarrasing deaths.
Next week's episode will attempt to claw tears from the eyes of the viewer as every character completely forgets that Michael is an inconsiderate buffoon. Because the writers don't really understand human emotion, characters will treat what would in reality be a mildly sad event like it is a tragedy on the scale of the holocaust. Each character will have a confessional where they admit that they've always liked Michael, even when they didn't. Even Toby will grudgingly admit that he likes Michael and admires his style. Toby and Michael will settle their differences and part ways on good terms, enraging everybody who has been watching the show since Season 2.
At least one person will admit that they had a crush on Michael. It will probably be Pam, which will create a false sense of tension between her and Jim, setting up a conflict in the coming episodes. This will be done solely to keep people watching even after Michael has left.
There will be a big "wham" moment where one main cast member reveals that they have cancer, are the Scranton Strangler, will be replacing Michael, or all three. Will Ferrell will continue to have nothing to do, and will most likely announce that he just doesn't feel comfortable replacing somebody as savior-like as Michael Scott.
Despite all of these absurdly overblown plot twists, ratings for The Office will drop almost immediately. The show will continue, but it will no longer be NBC's flagship comedy, and as a result, ratings for 30 Rock, Community, and Parks and Recreation will also drop.
30 Rock will attempt to take the place of The Office. NBC will bombard us with promotions for the latest, craziest episode. Alec Baldwin will announce that he is leaving the show, and NBC will try to hype his exit to the same degree that they hyped Steve Carell's exit. This being 30 Rock, however, most of the transitional period before Baldwin's exit will be spent making fun of TV shows that use a main character's exit as a way to promote ratings. 30 Rock will subvert expectations by having every character talk about how much they disliked Jack Donaghy, and how happy they are that he's leaving. There will be a cute couple of "final scenes" between Liz and Jack, but not much else. NBC, however, will overhype this exit as well, in a desperate attempt to save their thursday night lineup.
Community and Parks and Rec will have one or two more quality seasons, and then call it quits as their ratings drop. They will each go out on a dignified note while 30 Rock and The Office turn into over-produced laugh machines that die horrible, embarrasing deaths.
April 05, 2011
Hamilton Carver: Zombie P.I.
So if you haven't already, check out www.hamiltoncarver.com. My brother starred in and produced it, and I did some writing for it. Here's the episode I worked on the most, and that I generally consider to be "my" episode. Yes, I really like Shakespeare.
March 31, 2011
Sad Movie Scenes! A Bunch!
Alright, this is tenuously connected to the death of Leslie Nielsen. Just...humor me. The death of Leslie Nielsen-an actor I've liked since I was about nine years old, despite the vast number of terrible movies he's been in-surprised me by actually making me quite sad. I wasn't even looking forward to any forthcoming movies of his, I just had an appreciation for the man, his attitude, and his body of work. It was like losing a distant uncle who you rarely see, but have fond memories of.
The reason this surprised me is that I rarely feel personally effected by celebrity deaths. I feel bad for their families, etc. etc., but I never feel a sense of personal loss. I only know of these people through their movies, but their movies will still exist long after they're gone, so that connection isn't lost. I know, I sound like a horrible person, but then again I am kind of a horrible person.
But deaths like Leslie Nielsen's are a reminder to me of how deeply films can effect us, and make us feel personal loss even when nature says we shouldn't. That's why I really like when movies succeed at making me legitimately sad. It brings out an aspect of myself I'm not normally comfortable with-grief.
So this is my longwinded way of introducing a selection of incredibly sad scenes that should make your entire brain cry (Community reference). Naturally, there are spoilers galore. If you see a title of a movie you haven't seen and plan to see (and you should plan to see most of these) then I suggest you look away.
1. Kick-Ass
The last movie I ever expected to bring me close to tears was a superhero comedy featuring Nicolas Cage as a batman-wannabe, but Kick-Ass succeeded with flying colors.
The death of said batman-wannabe (known as Big Daddy) by fire starts out darkly hilarious, becomes awesome, and then ends by being incredibly sad. What makes it work is the offbeat-yet-believable daughter-father relationship between Big Daddy and Hit Girl. They may be psychotic killers, but they do have a strangely moving relationship. They each risk their lives multiple times to save the other. They have a genuine, fun rapport. And in a weird way, Big Daddy seems like a really cool Dad who makes hot chocolate, takes his girl bowling, and only uses low-velocity rounds to shoot her.
The thing is, you don't realize how much you like these characters until you lose them or see them suffer. This scene alone is what got me to watch Kick-Ass three times in one week and recommend it to every friend in sight.
2. Talk Radio
On a subtler note is the mental breakdown of Eric Bogosian's abrasive talk-show host. This is relatively spoiler-free, since there isn't much of a plot twist or ending in this scene. Still, there's something heartbreaking about watching somebody who desperately needs to come to terms with his own failures and shortcomings taking out all of his self-loathing on his audience, even if his audience does deserve the verbal lashing he inflicts upon them.
This film is phenomenal, and criminally underrated. I don't particularly like Oliver Stone, but I think he and Bogosian did an amazing job with Talk Radio.
3. The Fellowship of the Rings
I love the Lord of the Rings films, but I don't think the second two films ever approached the emotional intensity of the first film's climax. The entire thing makes me feel like tearing up, particularly Frodo flashing back to Gandalf's "that is an encouraging thought" speech, but it's the heroic death of Boromir-a character we haven't even seen much of, but still identify with as the flawed human character in need of redemption-that really gets the eyeballs juiced.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20w-nuLcneU&feature=related
By the time you get to the final film, you've already seen several dozen heroic deaths, so you're a bit too exhausted to shed any more tears. Here though, Jackson hits all of the right notes. The sound editing, the music, and the few moments of silence (and there isn't a lot of silence in these movies), all add up to a beautiful scene. Even though Boromir's fate is sealed with the first arrow in his chest, you still hope that he'll survive just a little bit longer.
4. Schindler's List
I know. Saying Schindler's List is sad is like saying rain makes you feel curiously wet. The reason I include it here is because the scene in particular is not a graphic depiction of jews being slaughtered or of a red-dressed girl being tossed in a fiery pit. It's a monologue from Liam Neeson, in which he laments the jews he did not save by being selfish in a way that we often take for granted; keeping his car, keeping a simple pin, keeping a little bit of gold. It brings home the hopeless enormity of the holocaust more effectively than a thousand scenes of random prisoners being shot.
It's a solid demonstration of some good, heartfelt writing being more effective than a hundred grisly images. Of course, having said that, I know turn to...
5. Reservoir Dogs
I don't think anybody in the history of film criticism has brought up Reservoir Dogs as being a sad movie, but damn if that final shot of Harvey Keitel doesn't tug at my heartstrings. The man has given up everything he ever worked for, and even killed his oldest friends, and all for a man who was lying to him the entire film. He's compromised all of his values in a final bid for redemption, and he's been stabbed in the back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c0FN8ajIlY
Not that you can't feel bad for Mr. Orange. He's in a position where he has no choice but to betray someone who has essentially sacrificed his life for him. He's about to die as a result of a sting mission that should have been easy as cake.
6. Synecdoche, New York
Let me preface this by saying that Synecdoche, New York will either make you completely rethink your entire life, perspective, values, and goals, or you will disregard it as arrogant bullshit. I'm clearly in the former category. I love this film. Nothing has ever made me think about life in the way this film did.
I could have taken five or six scenes from the film and stuck them in here, but I settled on Sammy's suicide. Of course, now I have to explain the plot, which is a daunting task in its own right. So Caden Cotard (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is directing a massive play that depicts every single person in his life and experience-no matter how small and insignificant they may seem-reading the same lines as they would in their daily lives. Sammy is playing Caden himself, but has also fallen in love with Hazel, Caden's box office manager. Hazel restarts her affair with Caden, prompting Sammy's suicide.
It's particularly tragic, because even though Sammy is merely a player portraying Caden, he is considerably more human than the man he is portraying. Caden has become so self-absorbed and obsessed with his overambitious creative work that he has completely left Sammy behind. Saying goodbye to Sammy is like saying goodbye to the last bit of humanity Caden has left.
7. Moon
I know I already issued a spoiler warning for this entire entry, but I’m restating it for Moon. Don’t read this if you haven’t seen Moon. In fact, don’t read anything about Moon if you haven’t seen it, just see it. No, there isn’t a magnificent Usual Suspects twist at the end, but there are a number of twists that you won’t see coming even if you think you know what’s coming. Just see Moon. It’s terrific, I promise.
That said, the scene that made this list comes right after the magnificent twist I just denied the existence of (don’t tell the people who haven’t seen it, all of you have seen Moon). Sam Bell finds out that he is a clone, and that all of his memories never directly happened to him. Furthermore, he is engineered to die very soon. The only sympathy comes from GERTY, the robot we were all expecting to turn on Sam and kill him.
It’s existential horror turned into existential sadness, with a cute robot crying thrown in for good measure. What’s not to weep at?
8. Return of the Jedi
It’s funny; Star Wars has become such a phenomenon as a franchise with a massive, ever-expanding mythology that it’s rare to see the original films discussed as actual films. I’ve seen plenty of “sad movie lists” and I’ve never seen the death of Yoda mentioned. It’s sad when a grandfather figure dies, and it’s sadder when a cute muppet dies, and Yoda is arguably both.
As a kid, this scene was incredibly sad even with the knowledge that Yoda would just show up again as a blue sparkle-ghost. This was before the Star Wars novels turned death from a tragic occurrence into something more along the lines of a minor inconvenience. Dead Jedi now appear with irritating frequency, their spirits kept alive by Holocrons or clones or some other bullshit. Whereas Obi-Wan and Yoda only seemed to show up as ghosts when Luke was in a Jedi trance or something, death loses its meaning in fiction when anybody can be summoned or brought back seemingly at will (look at comic books).
Add the gut-punch that is the confirmation that Darth Vader is Luke's father, and you have a low key scene that brings out many emotions in the viewer. The kind of scene the prequels never managed to craft.
This was also before Yoda was turned into a bouncing, psychopathic monkey-wizard with disastrous shortsightedness regarding little kids and senators.
So....yayyyyyyy! I hope you like my funny blog!
The reason this surprised me is that I rarely feel personally effected by celebrity deaths. I feel bad for their families, etc. etc., but I never feel a sense of personal loss. I only know of these people through their movies, but their movies will still exist long after they're gone, so that connection isn't lost. I know, I sound like a horrible person, but then again I am kind of a horrible person.
But deaths like Leslie Nielsen's are a reminder to me of how deeply films can effect us, and make us feel personal loss even when nature says we shouldn't. That's why I really like when movies succeed at making me legitimately sad. It brings out an aspect of myself I'm not normally comfortable with-grief.
So this is my longwinded way of introducing a selection of incredibly sad scenes that should make your entire brain cry (Community reference). Naturally, there are spoilers galore. If you see a title of a movie you haven't seen and plan to see (and you should plan to see most of these) then I suggest you look away.
1. Kick-Ass
The last movie I ever expected to bring me close to tears was a superhero comedy featuring Nicolas Cage as a batman-wannabe, but Kick-Ass succeeded with flying colors.
The death of said batman-wannabe (known as Big Daddy) by fire starts out darkly hilarious, becomes awesome, and then ends by being incredibly sad. What makes it work is the offbeat-yet-believable daughter-father relationship between Big Daddy and Hit Girl. They may be psychotic killers, but they do have a strangely moving relationship. They each risk their lives multiple times to save the other. They have a genuine, fun rapport. And in a weird way, Big Daddy seems like a really cool Dad who makes hot chocolate, takes his girl bowling, and only uses low-velocity rounds to shoot her.
The thing is, you don't realize how much you like these characters until you lose them or see them suffer. This scene alone is what got me to watch Kick-Ass three times in one week and recommend it to every friend in sight.
2. Talk Radio
On a subtler note is the mental breakdown of Eric Bogosian's abrasive talk-show host. This is relatively spoiler-free, since there isn't much of a plot twist or ending in this scene. Still, there's something heartbreaking about watching somebody who desperately needs to come to terms with his own failures and shortcomings taking out all of his self-loathing on his audience, even if his audience does deserve the verbal lashing he inflicts upon them.
This film is phenomenal, and criminally underrated. I don't particularly like Oliver Stone, but I think he and Bogosian did an amazing job with Talk Radio.
3. The Fellowship of the Rings
I love the Lord of the Rings films, but I don't think the second two films ever approached the emotional intensity of the first film's climax. The entire thing makes me feel like tearing up, particularly Frodo flashing back to Gandalf's "that is an encouraging thought" speech, but it's the heroic death of Boromir-a character we haven't even seen much of, but still identify with as the flawed human character in need of redemption-that really gets the eyeballs juiced.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20w-nuLcneU&feature=related
By the time you get to the final film, you've already seen several dozen heroic deaths, so you're a bit too exhausted to shed any more tears. Here though, Jackson hits all of the right notes. The sound editing, the music, and the few moments of silence (and there isn't a lot of silence in these movies), all add up to a beautiful scene. Even though Boromir's fate is sealed with the first arrow in his chest, you still hope that he'll survive just a little bit longer.
4. Schindler's List
I know. Saying Schindler's List is sad is like saying rain makes you feel curiously wet. The reason I include it here is because the scene in particular is not a graphic depiction of jews being slaughtered or of a red-dressed girl being tossed in a fiery pit. It's a monologue from Liam Neeson, in which he laments the jews he did not save by being selfish in a way that we often take for granted; keeping his car, keeping a simple pin, keeping a little bit of gold. It brings home the hopeless enormity of the holocaust more effectively than a thousand scenes of random prisoners being shot.
It's a solid demonstration of some good, heartfelt writing being more effective than a hundred grisly images. Of course, having said that, I know turn to...
5. Reservoir Dogs
I don't think anybody in the history of film criticism has brought up Reservoir Dogs as being a sad movie, but damn if that final shot of Harvey Keitel doesn't tug at my heartstrings. The man has given up everything he ever worked for, and even killed his oldest friends, and all for a man who was lying to him the entire film. He's compromised all of his values in a final bid for redemption, and he's been stabbed in the back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c0FN8ajIlY
Not that you can't feel bad for Mr. Orange. He's in a position where he has no choice but to betray someone who has essentially sacrificed his life for him. He's about to die as a result of a sting mission that should have been easy as cake.
6. Synecdoche, New York
Let me preface this by saying that Synecdoche, New York will either make you completely rethink your entire life, perspective, values, and goals, or you will disregard it as arrogant bullshit. I'm clearly in the former category. I love this film. Nothing has ever made me think about life in the way this film did.
I could have taken five or six scenes from the film and stuck them in here, but I settled on Sammy's suicide. Of course, now I have to explain the plot, which is a daunting task in its own right. So Caden Cotard (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is directing a massive play that depicts every single person in his life and experience-no matter how small and insignificant they may seem-reading the same lines as they would in their daily lives. Sammy is playing Caden himself, but has also fallen in love with Hazel, Caden's box office manager. Hazel restarts her affair with Caden, prompting Sammy's suicide.
It's particularly tragic, because even though Sammy is merely a player portraying Caden, he is considerably more human than the man he is portraying. Caden has become so self-absorbed and obsessed with his overambitious creative work that he has completely left Sammy behind. Saying goodbye to Sammy is like saying goodbye to the last bit of humanity Caden has left.
7. Moon
I know I already issued a spoiler warning for this entire entry, but I’m restating it for Moon. Don’t read this if you haven’t seen Moon. In fact, don’t read anything about Moon if you haven’t seen it, just see it. No, there isn’t a magnificent Usual Suspects twist at the end, but there are a number of twists that you won’t see coming even if you think you know what’s coming. Just see Moon. It’s terrific, I promise.
That said, the scene that made this list comes right after the magnificent twist I just denied the existence of (don’t tell the people who haven’t seen it, all of you have seen Moon). Sam Bell finds out that he is a clone, and that all of his memories never directly happened to him. Furthermore, he is engineered to die very soon. The only sympathy comes from GERTY, the robot we were all expecting to turn on Sam and kill him.
It’s existential horror turned into existential sadness, with a cute robot crying thrown in for good measure. What’s not to weep at?
8. Return of the Jedi
It’s funny; Star Wars has become such a phenomenon as a franchise with a massive, ever-expanding mythology that it’s rare to see the original films discussed as actual films. I’ve seen plenty of “sad movie lists” and I’ve never seen the death of Yoda mentioned. It’s sad when a grandfather figure dies, and it’s sadder when a cute muppet dies, and Yoda is arguably both.
As a kid, this scene was incredibly sad even with the knowledge that Yoda would just show up again as a blue sparkle-ghost. This was before the Star Wars novels turned death from a tragic occurrence into something more along the lines of a minor inconvenience. Dead Jedi now appear with irritating frequency, their spirits kept alive by Holocrons or clones or some other bullshit. Whereas Obi-Wan and Yoda only seemed to show up as ghosts when Luke was in a Jedi trance or something, death loses its meaning in fiction when anybody can be summoned or brought back seemingly at will (look at comic books).
Add the gut-punch that is the confirmation that Darth Vader is Luke's father, and you have a low key scene that brings out many emotions in the viewer. The kind of scene the prequels never managed to craft.
This was also before Yoda was turned into a bouncing, psychopathic monkey-wizard with disastrous shortsightedness regarding little kids and senators.
So....yayyyyyyy! I hope you like my funny blog!
March 29, 2011
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