September 08, 2011
Cute Animal Comics #6.0
May 17, 2011
May 08, 2011
April 29, 2011
April 22, 2011
What Will Happen After Next Week's The Office
The last episode of The Office to feature Michael Scott is next week. Judging by the past few episodes, here is how his exit will go down, and how NBC's comedy lineup will suffer as a result.
Next week's episode will attempt to claw tears from the eyes of the viewer as every character completely forgets that Michael is an inconsiderate buffoon. Because the writers don't really understand human emotion, characters will treat what would in reality be a mildly sad event like it is a tragedy on the scale of the holocaust. Each character will have a confessional where they admit that they've always liked Michael, even when they didn't. Even Toby will grudgingly admit that he likes Michael and admires his style. Toby and Michael will settle their differences and part ways on good terms, enraging everybody who has been watching the show since Season 2.
At least one person will admit that they had a crush on Michael. It will probably be Pam, which will create a false sense of tension between her and Jim, setting up a conflict in the coming episodes. This will be done solely to keep people watching even after Michael has left.
There will be a big "wham" moment where one main cast member reveals that they have cancer, are the Scranton Strangler, will be replacing Michael, or all three. Will Ferrell will continue to have nothing to do, and will most likely announce that he just doesn't feel comfortable replacing somebody as savior-like as Michael Scott.
Despite all of these absurdly overblown plot twists, ratings for The Office will drop almost immediately. The show will continue, but it will no longer be NBC's flagship comedy, and as a result, ratings for 30 Rock, Community, and Parks and Recreation will also drop.
30 Rock will attempt to take the place of The Office. NBC will bombard us with promotions for the latest, craziest episode. Alec Baldwin will announce that he is leaving the show, and NBC will try to hype his exit to the same degree that they hyped Steve Carell's exit. This being 30 Rock, however, most of the transitional period before Baldwin's exit will be spent making fun of TV shows that use a main character's exit as a way to promote ratings. 30 Rock will subvert expectations by having every character talk about how much they disliked Jack Donaghy, and how happy they are that he's leaving. There will be a cute couple of "final scenes" between Liz and Jack, but not much else. NBC, however, will overhype this exit as well, in a desperate attempt to save their thursday night lineup.
Community and Parks and Rec will have one or two more quality seasons, and then call it quits as their ratings drop. They will each go out on a dignified note while 30 Rock and The Office turn into over-produced laugh machines that die horrible, embarrasing deaths.
Next week's episode will attempt to claw tears from the eyes of the viewer as every character completely forgets that Michael is an inconsiderate buffoon. Because the writers don't really understand human emotion, characters will treat what would in reality be a mildly sad event like it is a tragedy on the scale of the holocaust. Each character will have a confessional where they admit that they've always liked Michael, even when they didn't. Even Toby will grudgingly admit that he likes Michael and admires his style. Toby and Michael will settle their differences and part ways on good terms, enraging everybody who has been watching the show since Season 2.
At least one person will admit that they had a crush on Michael. It will probably be Pam, which will create a false sense of tension between her and Jim, setting up a conflict in the coming episodes. This will be done solely to keep people watching even after Michael has left.
There will be a big "wham" moment where one main cast member reveals that they have cancer, are the Scranton Strangler, will be replacing Michael, or all three. Will Ferrell will continue to have nothing to do, and will most likely announce that he just doesn't feel comfortable replacing somebody as savior-like as Michael Scott.
Despite all of these absurdly overblown plot twists, ratings for The Office will drop almost immediately. The show will continue, but it will no longer be NBC's flagship comedy, and as a result, ratings for 30 Rock, Community, and Parks and Recreation will also drop.
30 Rock will attempt to take the place of The Office. NBC will bombard us with promotions for the latest, craziest episode. Alec Baldwin will announce that he is leaving the show, and NBC will try to hype his exit to the same degree that they hyped Steve Carell's exit. This being 30 Rock, however, most of the transitional period before Baldwin's exit will be spent making fun of TV shows that use a main character's exit as a way to promote ratings. 30 Rock will subvert expectations by having every character talk about how much they disliked Jack Donaghy, and how happy they are that he's leaving. There will be a cute couple of "final scenes" between Liz and Jack, but not much else. NBC, however, will overhype this exit as well, in a desperate attempt to save their thursday night lineup.
Community and Parks and Rec will have one or two more quality seasons, and then call it quits as their ratings drop. They will each go out on a dignified note while 30 Rock and The Office turn into over-produced laugh machines that die horrible, embarrasing deaths.
April 05, 2011
Hamilton Carver: Zombie P.I.
So if you haven't already, check out www.hamiltoncarver.com. My brother starred in and produced it, and I did some writing for it. Here's the episode I worked on the most, and that I generally consider to be "my" episode. Yes, I really like Shakespeare.
March 31, 2011
Sad Movie Scenes! A Bunch!
Alright, this is tenuously connected to the death of Leslie Nielsen. Just...humor me. The death of Leslie Nielsen-an actor I've liked since I was about nine years old, despite the vast number of terrible movies he's been in-surprised me by actually making me quite sad. I wasn't even looking forward to any forthcoming movies of his, I just had an appreciation for the man, his attitude, and his body of work. It was like losing a distant uncle who you rarely see, but have fond memories of.
The reason this surprised me is that I rarely feel personally effected by celebrity deaths. I feel bad for their families, etc. etc., but I never feel a sense of personal loss. I only know of these people through their movies, but their movies will still exist long after they're gone, so that connection isn't lost. I know, I sound like a horrible person, but then again I am kind of a horrible person.
But deaths like Leslie Nielsen's are a reminder to me of how deeply films can effect us, and make us feel personal loss even when nature says we shouldn't. That's why I really like when movies succeed at making me legitimately sad. It brings out an aspect of myself I'm not normally comfortable with-grief.
So this is my longwinded way of introducing a selection of incredibly sad scenes that should make your entire brain cry (Community reference). Naturally, there are spoilers galore. If you see a title of a movie you haven't seen and plan to see (and you should plan to see most of these) then I suggest you look away.
1. Kick-Ass
The last movie I ever expected to bring me close to tears was a superhero comedy featuring Nicolas Cage as a batman-wannabe, but Kick-Ass succeeded with flying colors.
The death of said batman-wannabe (known as Big Daddy) by fire starts out darkly hilarious, becomes awesome, and then ends by being incredibly sad. What makes it work is the offbeat-yet-believable daughter-father relationship between Big Daddy and Hit Girl. They may be psychotic killers, but they do have a strangely moving relationship. They each risk their lives multiple times to save the other. They have a genuine, fun rapport. And in a weird way, Big Daddy seems like a really cool Dad who makes hot chocolate, takes his girl bowling, and only uses low-velocity rounds to shoot her.
The thing is, you don't realize how much you like these characters until you lose them or see them suffer. This scene alone is what got me to watch Kick-Ass three times in one week and recommend it to every friend in sight.
2. Talk Radio
On a subtler note is the mental breakdown of Eric Bogosian's abrasive talk-show host. This is relatively spoiler-free, since there isn't much of a plot twist or ending in this scene. Still, there's something heartbreaking about watching somebody who desperately needs to come to terms with his own failures and shortcomings taking out all of his self-loathing on his audience, even if his audience does deserve the verbal lashing he inflicts upon them.
This film is phenomenal, and criminally underrated. I don't particularly like Oliver Stone, but I think he and Bogosian did an amazing job with Talk Radio.
3. The Fellowship of the Rings
I love the Lord of the Rings films, but I don't think the second two films ever approached the emotional intensity of the first film's climax. The entire thing makes me feel like tearing up, particularly Frodo flashing back to Gandalf's "that is an encouraging thought" speech, but it's the heroic death of Boromir-a character we haven't even seen much of, but still identify with as the flawed human character in need of redemption-that really gets the eyeballs juiced.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20w-nuLcneU&feature=related
By the time you get to the final film, you've already seen several dozen heroic deaths, so you're a bit too exhausted to shed any more tears. Here though, Jackson hits all of the right notes. The sound editing, the music, and the few moments of silence (and there isn't a lot of silence in these movies), all add up to a beautiful scene. Even though Boromir's fate is sealed with the first arrow in his chest, you still hope that he'll survive just a little bit longer.
4. Schindler's List
I know. Saying Schindler's List is sad is like saying rain makes you feel curiously wet. The reason I include it here is because the scene in particular is not a graphic depiction of jews being slaughtered or of a red-dressed girl being tossed in a fiery pit. It's a monologue from Liam Neeson, in which he laments the jews he did not save by being selfish in a way that we often take for granted; keeping his car, keeping a simple pin, keeping a little bit of gold. It brings home the hopeless enormity of the holocaust more effectively than a thousand scenes of random prisoners being shot.
It's a solid demonstration of some good, heartfelt writing being more effective than a hundred grisly images. Of course, having said that, I know turn to...
5. Reservoir Dogs
I don't think anybody in the history of film criticism has brought up Reservoir Dogs as being a sad movie, but damn if that final shot of Harvey Keitel doesn't tug at my heartstrings. The man has given up everything he ever worked for, and even killed his oldest friends, and all for a man who was lying to him the entire film. He's compromised all of his values in a final bid for redemption, and he's been stabbed in the back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c0FN8ajIlY
Not that you can't feel bad for Mr. Orange. He's in a position where he has no choice but to betray someone who has essentially sacrificed his life for him. He's about to die as a result of a sting mission that should have been easy as cake.
6. Synecdoche, New York
Let me preface this by saying that Synecdoche, New York will either make you completely rethink your entire life, perspective, values, and goals, or you will disregard it as arrogant bullshit. I'm clearly in the former category. I love this film. Nothing has ever made me think about life in the way this film did.
I could have taken five or six scenes from the film and stuck them in here, but I settled on Sammy's suicide. Of course, now I have to explain the plot, which is a daunting task in its own right. So Caden Cotard (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is directing a massive play that depicts every single person in his life and experience-no matter how small and insignificant they may seem-reading the same lines as they would in their daily lives. Sammy is playing Caden himself, but has also fallen in love with Hazel, Caden's box office manager. Hazel restarts her affair with Caden, prompting Sammy's suicide.
It's particularly tragic, because even though Sammy is merely a player portraying Caden, he is considerably more human than the man he is portraying. Caden has become so self-absorbed and obsessed with his overambitious creative work that he has completely left Sammy behind. Saying goodbye to Sammy is like saying goodbye to the last bit of humanity Caden has left.
7. Moon
I know I already issued a spoiler warning for this entire entry, but I’m restating it for Moon. Don’t read this if you haven’t seen Moon. In fact, don’t read anything about Moon if you haven’t seen it, just see it. No, there isn’t a magnificent Usual Suspects twist at the end, but there are a number of twists that you won’t see coming even if you think you know what’s coming. Just see Moon. It’s terrific, I promise.
That said, the scene that made this list comes right after the magnificent twist I just denied the existence of (don’t tell the people who haven’t seen it, all of you have seen Moon). Sam Bell finds out that he is a clone, and that all of his memories never directly happened to him. Furthermore, he is engineered to die very soon. The only sympathy comes from GERTY, the robot we were all expecting to turn on Sam and kill him.
It’s existential horror turned into existential sadness, with a cute robot crying thrown in for good measure. What’s not to weep at?
8. Return of the Jedi
It’s funny; Star Wars has become such a phenomenon as a franchise with a massive, ever-expanding mythology that it’s rare to see the original films discussed as actual films. I’ve seen plenty of “sad movie lists” and I’ve never seen the death of Yoda mentioned. It’s sad when a grandfather figure dies, and it’s sadder when a cute muppet dies, and Yoda is arguably both.
As a kid, this scene was incredibly sad even with the knowledge that Yoda would just show up again as a blue sparkle-ghost. This was before the Star Wars novels turned death from a tragic occurrence into something more along the lines of a minor inconvenience. Dead Jedi now appear with irritating frequency, their spirits kept alive by Holocrons or clones or some other bullshit. Whereas Obi-Wan and Yoda only seemed to show up as ghosts when Luke was in a Jedi trance or something, death loses its meaning in fiction when anybody can be summoned or brought back seemingly at will (look at comic books).
Add the gut-punch that is the confirmation that Darth Vader is Luke's father, and you have a low key scene that brings out many emotions in the viewer. The kind of scene the prequels never managed to craft.
This was also before Yoda was turned into a bouncing, psychopathic monkey-wizard with disastrous shortsightedness regarding little kids and senators.
So....yayyyyyyy! I hope you like my funny blog!
The reason this surprised me is that I rarely feel personally effected by celebrity deaths. I feel bad for their families, etc. etc., but I never feel a sense of personal loss. I only know of these people through their movies, but their movies will still exist long after they're gone, so that connection isn't lost. I know, I sound like a horrible person, but then again I am kind of a horrible person.
But deaths like Leslie Nielsen's are a reminder to me of how deeply films can effect us, and make us feel personal loss even when nature says we shouldn't. That's why I really like when movies succeed at making me legitimately sad. It brings out an aspect of myself I'm not normally comfortable with-grief.
So this is my longwinded way of introducing a selection of incredibly sad scenes that should make your entire brain cry (Community reference). Naturally, there are spoilers galore. If you see a title of a movie you haven't seen and plan to see (and you should plan to see most of these) then I suggest you look away.
1. Kick-Ass
The last movie I ever expected to bring me close to tears was a superhero comedy featuring Nicolas Cage as a batman-wannabe, but Kick-Ass succeeded with flying colors.
The death of said batman-wannabe (known as Big Daddy) by fire starts out darkly hilarious, becomes awesome, and then ends by being incredibly sad. What makes it work is the offbeat-yet-believable daughter-father relationship between Big Daddy and Hit Girl. They may be psychotic killers, but they do have a strangely moving relationship. They each risk their lives multiple times to save the other. They have a genuine, fun rapport. And in a weird way, Big Daddy seems like a really cool Dad who makes hot chocolate, takes his girl bowling, and only uses low-velocity rounds to shoot her.
The thing is, you don't realize how much you like these characters until you lose them or see them suffer. This scene alone is what got me to watch Kick-Ass three times in one week and recommend it to every friend in sight.
2. Talk Radio
On a subtler note is the mental breakdown of Eric Bogosian's abrasive talk-show host. This is relatively spoiler-free, since there isn't much of a plot twist or ending in this scene. Still, there's something heartbreaking about watching somebody who desperately needs to come to terms with his own failures and shortcomings taking out all of his self-loathing on his audience, even if his audience does deserve the verbal lashing he inflicts upon them.
This film is phenomenal, and criminally underrated. I don't particularly like Oliver Stone, but I think he and Bogosian did an amazing job with Talk Radio.
3. The Fellowship of the Rings
I love the Lord of the Rings films, but I don't think the second two films ever approached the emotional intensity of the first film's climax. The entire thing makes me feel like tearing up, particularly Frodo flashing back to Gandalf's "that is an encouraging thought" speech, but it's the heroic death of Boromir-a character we haven't even seen much of, but still identify with as the flawed human character in need of redemption-that really gets the eyeballs juiced.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20w-nuLcneU&feature=related
By the time you get to the final film, you've already seen several dozen heroic deaths, so you're a bit too exhausted to shed any more tears. Here though, Jackson hits all of the right notes. The sound editing, the music, and the few moments of silence (and there isn't a lot of silence in these movies), all add up to a beautiful scene. Even though Boromir's fate is sealed with the first arrow in his chest, you still hope that he'll survive just a little bit longer.
4. Schindler's List
I know. Saying Schindler's List is sad is like saying rain makes you feel curiously wet. The reason I include it here is because the scene in particular is not a graphic depiction of jews being slaughtered or of a red-dressed girl being tossed in a fiery pit. It's a monologue from Liam Neeson, in which he laments the jews he did not save by being selfish in a way that we often take for granted; keeping his car, keeping a simple pin, keeping a little bit of gold. It brings home the hopeless enormity of the holocaust more effectively than a thousand scenes of random prisoners being shot.
It's a solid demonstration of some good, heartfelt writing being more effective than a hundred grisly images. Of course, having said that, I know turn to...
5. Reservoir Dogs
I don't think anybody in the history of film criticism has brought up Reservoir Dogs as being a sad movie, but damn if that final shot of Harvey Keitel doesn't tug at my heartstrings. The man has given up everything he ever worked for, and even killed his oldest friends, and all for a man who was lying to him the entire film. He's compromised all of his values in a final bid for redemption, and he's been stabbed in the back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c0FN8ajIlY
Not that you can't feel bad for Mr. Orange. He's in a position where he has no choice but to betray someone who has essentially sacrificed his life for him. He's about to die as a result of a sting mission that should have been easy as cake.
6. Synecdoche, New York
Let me preface this by saying that Synecdoche, New York will either make you completely rethink your entire life, perspective, values, and goals, or you will disregard it as arrogant bullshit. I'm clearly in the former category. I love this film. Nothing has ever made me think about life in the way this film did.
I could have taken five or six scenes from the film and stuck them in here, but I settled on Sammy's suicide. Of course, now I have to explain the plot, which is a daunting task in its own right. So Caden Cotard (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is directing a massive play that depicts every single person in his life and experience-no matter how small and insignificant they may seem-reading the same lines as they would in their daily lives. Sammy is playing Caden himself, but has also fallen in love with Hazel, Caden's box office manager. Hazel restarts her affair with Caden, prompting Sammy's suicide.
It's particularly tragic, because even though Sammy is merely a player portraying Caden, he is considerably more human than the man he is portraying. Caden has become so self-absorbed and obsessed with his overambitious creative work that he has completely left Sammy behind. Saying goodbye to Sammy is like saying goodbye to the last bit of humanity Caden has left.
7. Moon
I know I already issued a spoiler warning for this entire entry, but I’m restating it for Moon. Don’t read this if you haven’t seen Moon. In fact, don’t read anything about Moon if you haven’t seen it, just see it. No, there isn’t a magnificent Usual Suspects twist at the end, but there are a number of twists that you won’t see coming even if you think you know what’s coming. Just see Moon. It’s terrific, I promise.
That said, the scene that made this list comes right after the magnificent twist I just denied the existence of (don’t tell the people who haven’t seen it, all of you have seen Moon). Sam Bell finds out that he is a clone, and that all of his memories never directly happened to him. Furthermore, he is engineered to die very soon. The only sympathy comes from GERTY, the robot we were all expecting to turn on Sam and kill him.
It’s existential horror turned into existential sadness, with a cute robot crying thrown in for good measure. What’s not to weep at?
8. Return of the Jedi
It’s funny; Star Wars has become such a phenomenon as a franchise with a massive, ever-expanding mythology that it’s rare to see the original films discussed as actual films. I’ve seen plenty of “sad movie lists” and I’ve never seen the death of Yoda mentioned. It’s sad when a grandfather figure dies, and it’s sadder when a cute muppet dies, and Yoda is arguably both.
As a kid, this scene was incredibly sad even with the knowledge that Yoda would just show up again as a blue sparkle-ghost. This was before the Star Wars novels turned death from a tragic occurrence into something more along the lines of a minor inconvenience. Dead Jedi now appear with irritating frequency, their spirits kept alive by Holocrons or clones or some other bullshit. Whereas Obi-Wan and Yoda only seemed to show up as ghosts when Luke was in a Jedi trance or something, death loses its meaning in fiction when anybody can be summoned or brought back seemingly at will (look at comic books).
Add the gut-punch that is the confirmation that Darth Vader is Luke's father, and you have a low key scene that brings out many emotions in the viewer. The kind of scene the prequels never managed to craft.
This was also before Yoda was turned into a bouncing, psychopathic monkey-wizard with disastrous shortsightedness regarding little kids and senators.
So....yayyyyyyy! I hope you like my funny blog!
March 29, 2011
March 24, 2011
The Psychiatrist
A short I acted in and edited a couple of years ago. Check out The Flying Socrates on Youtube for more!
On a serious note...check out our website!
This is just a quick video I put together to promote a little social media company my friend and I are looking to start. Hope you like it!
You can check us out at www.changingalltherules.com
March 19, 2011
New channel!
Check out Persons Inc.!
The incredibly talented Sam Brilhante and I have started a new sketch comedy channel on youtube. Go take a look!
Also check out my weird videos since you're already on youtube. You know, while you're there.
The incredibly talented Sam Brilhante and I have started a new sketch comedy channel on youtube. Go take a look!
Also check out my weird videos since you're already on youtube. You know, while you're there.
March 17, 2011
Smitty Briltitty
Watching this again cleansed me of the pain that was wracking my body after that Glee post.
What Happens When Glee tries to Write Original Songs?
I know, I swore I would never watch another episode of Glee again. However, the prospect of seeing just how bad their attempts to do an episode containing original songs could be was too enticing to pass up. Also, I hate myself. Also, I hadn't blogged in a while, so I thought it might be fun for you to see the effect this episode has on me in real time.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you: Pete Q's reactions to Glee episode 2.16: "Original Song". IN REAL TIME!!!!
00:00-00:14 The Warblers (you know, that other Glee group populated entirely by gay men) are studying....something when Blaine bursts into the room and starts an impromptu rendition of a song I've never heard of (because I'm not twelve). I am already aggravated, and I remember one of the reasons I swore never to watch this shit again: A capella groups are 1) Not autotuned, 2) Don't have backup drummers and 3) Don't suddenly drop whatever they're studying just to appease their impulsive asshole of a leader. STILL, I expect these guys to be annoying by now, so the episode still has a chance to improve.
01:56-01:57 After what seemed like the longest number in the world, Blaine announces that this unchoreographed song performed entirely in the school hallway on the spur of the moment is their opening number for regionals. I'm starting to remember how hard it is to suspend your disbelief willingly when watching this show.
01:57-3:54 I'm really wriggling in my seat and sweating, now. This is less like watching a show and more like getting a sliver taken out. Kurt is an asshole, Blaine makes a stupid face, and Glee presents its first original song of the night. I'm not really sure if it's supposed to be funny, good, bad, or....just weird. It's Rachel's song about being an only child. I think it's supposed to be funny? I don't know, maybe Glee's humor is just too subtle and intricate for me.
4:40-5:32 This is the point where I had to stop the episode and go do something else for a while, like take a long walk and think about the direction my life has taken. Why is Quinn back to being a spoiled bitch again?! Didn't the experience of being a single mother change her at all!? Come to think of it, I thought she and Rachel were supposed to be cool now (alright, I admit, I watched last week's episode, mainly because I wanted to see how bad their take on sex education could get. Spoiler alert: Really, really bad). Do the people who write this show ever watch this show?
5:32-9:01 Oh, now I understand. The whole coolness with Rachel thing was all a sham on Quinn's part. Anyway, Kurt's bird dies solely so he can sing "Blackbird" (the bird was yellow, by the way). Everyone in the Warblers acts like this is a SUPER SERIOUS SAD MOMENT YOU GUYS even though we never see anybody except Blaine interact with Kurt, ever. Why they suddenly give a shit about this pompous asshole's dead canary is beyond me. It is at this point that my browser crashed, or committed suicide. I'm not sure which. Then Sue does something mean in order to advance the plot (see also: every episode of Glee ever). Then everybody decides that it would somehow be easy to write and arrange about a dozen original songs.
10:32-12:54 JESUS FUCK, WE GET IT GLEE. YOU HAVE LESBIANS ON YOUR SHOW AND SUE IS MEAN. MOVE THE FUCK ON. There's more annoying shit with the Warblers, who mostly exist to fellate Blaine and Kurt's egos. My hair has started to fall out.
13:17-14:28 YES! Oh my god, YES! Naya Rivera is going to sing! It's an original song! And it's actually kind of funny! Thank you, god. Thank you. Why isn't Naya Rivera the only actress on this show? I would honestly watch a show entirely about her wandering around an empty school and singing, sort of like "The Langoliers" as a musical. Of course, because it's good, it has to be cut short by a stupid plot point.
14:28-16:16 Wait, now Mark Sailing is doing a solo? And it's also kind of funny and catchy!? Wow, that can only mean that this episode is about to get really bad. The two best and most underused performers on the show have already gotten good, non-auto-tuned songs? This episode has clearly peaked too early.
16:16-17:24 Oh good, we're back to the overused relationship bullshit. Once again, Rachel gets to look sadly on as Finn and Quinn flirt. Great. I thought this episode was starting to show signs of quality and innovation. Thank god they went back to their "Glee Tropes" handbook and pulled this beauty back out. Thank god.
17:24-18:50 More boring bullshit with Blaine and Kurt. They kiss. I'm glad I'm at the age where this doesn't particularly surprise, shock, or interest me, or make me go "awwwww" and tweet about it. Once again, this entire scene is all about somebody telling Kurt that he's awesome. I still hate his stupid, douchey face and asshole, prickish demeanor.
18:50-.... I'm sorry, I passed out from pain after the awfulness and blatant racist stereotype that was Mercedes' song. Of course, Mercedes has always been an annoying black stereotype when not busy being a fat person stereotype. Now she decides to declare this to the world with a song called (and I'm not joking) "Hell to the no". You know, "School of Rock" did the whole "black belter who is shy about her weight" thing 10x better. I wish I was watching that movie right now. Really. I want that on DVD. And yes, dear, I am stalling right now. I missed the rest of the dialog in this scene, but I think it went something like this: "Smug smug smug. Smug SMUG smug smug smug smug? Smug. Smug smug Smug smug!"
The next scene: I stopped keeping track of time, because I no longer understand how time works. Rachel and Quinn have a stupid scene where they're mean to each other, and Quinn cries. I don't understand what's going on in this scene, but I think they just broke up. I think Ryan Murphy just needed a scene where somebody cries.
Decades later: I am in so much pain right now. This is physically hurting me. I can't believe I thought this would be a good idea. Is this blog post even funny? I sort of don't think it is. I kind of want to cry and hurt myself, and sing the Johnny Cash version of "Hurt". Oh my god, I'm singing songs that have a tenuous relationship to what I'm experiencing. Or am I experiencing things in order to have a tenuous relationship with a song? I don't even know anymore. I don't know what it is to be alive.
?????: Ummmmm, the regionals have started? I guess? And I guess the message of the first performance is that excellent choreography and strong vocals can't make up for the terrible TERRRRRRIBLE sin of having religious lyrics. So the first group is automatically the "joke" group. You know. Because "THOSE CRAZZZZZY RELIGIOUS FOLK"!
Some stupid Warbler shit: Kurt worries that he's going to forget the lyrics to his solo. Blaine politely reminds him that this is a duet, and that everything is autotuned and pre-recorded, so he has nothing to worry about.
That stupid duet: Blaine and Kurt give me physical pain. I really wish this show had a gay couple that wasn't THEM. How much more interesting would this be if it were, say, Kurt and Finn? I hate these two. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I've never seen such smug, irritating, preening shitheads that were meant to be taken seriously. They sound terrible together. Their voices do not meld well at all. Oh, and then we're immediately back to a Blaine solo, even when he just said that he doesn't want the group to be about him anymore.
The seventh circle: I hate myself for watching this. I really do. These competition episodes were fantastic in season 1; big productions of good songs with a proper context, understandable drama, interesting character development, the thrill of seeing something resembling a live show. I do not give a shit about what's happening right now.
Crying: Why does the show try to pretend that Finn and Rachel still have chemistry? Finn is a moron, and Rachel is a shrill nag. This was not always the case, but it is now. Watching them share "a moment" is like watching Rain Man and Lucille Bluth hit it off.
WHYYYYYY: Rachel's original song. What a generic piece of whiny crap. Kurt goes "oh my god...they're doing an original song". What I'm sure he meant was "Oh my godddddd, they're doing an ORIGINAL SONG!?!!" Finn, rather than running and screaming from this creepy girl who wrote an entire song about him, makes his "turned on" face. Because apparently he forgot that she is a crazy, possessive girlfriend.
The New Directions original song: WHAT!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I'm sorry, I just stabbed myself with the fork I was holding: That.....that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Seriously. That was awful. I hate music now. That sounded EXACTLY like what the theme song would be if this show were made in the eighties. It would be playing over the opening credits and goofy shots of the kids would come up with stupid text like "And MATTHEW MORRISON as Mr. Schue the Misogynist". Wow. WOW. I'm not even being biased. That might be the most annoying thing I've ever heard. I honestly think Rachel Black's "Friday" would have been less annoying.
A stupid SNL sketch breaks out: The judges deliberate. I don't get the joke. Oh HA HA HA it's a liberal nun, a Sarah Palin stand in, and a guy doing a bad Phil Hartman impression. I get it now. Yes, it's hilarious. FUCK YOU SHOW
Oh, the New Directions won. Didn't see that coming, considering there wouldn't be a show if they didn't have Nationals to prepare for. Oh, and Jane Lynch punches some other woman. It's really stupid, but it's also kind of awesome, so I'm willing to let it slide.
Wrapping up: Smug smug smug, smuggity smug "BOO HOO MY BIRD DIED" smug smug smug smug. SMUG SMUG SMUG RACHEL'S SO GREAT YOU GUYZZZZZ SMUG SMUGGITY SMUG SMUG.
Credits: *sob*
Anyway, let me sum up. This was a terrible, terrible hour of pain, but as episodes of Glee goes, it was alright. That is to say, it was not as bad as the worst episodes, but it was not as good as the...well, the good episodes. The good episodes that Glee apparently decided to stop wasting time on. Considering how much pain just an average episode of Glee put me through pretty much proves that I should not waste any more time on this show. SO it's back to swearing off Glee forever, or at least until they try another theme that's just too stupid-sounding to pass up.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some novocaine to inject into my bloodstream.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you: Pete Q's reactions to Glee episode 2.16: "Original Song". IN REAL TIME!!!!
00:00-00:14 The Warblers (you know, that other Glee group populated entirely by gay men) are studying....something when Blaine bursts into the room and starts an impromptu rendition of a song I've never heard of (because I'm not twelve). I am already aggravated, and I remember one of the reasons I swore never to watch this shit again: A capella groups are 1) Not autotuned, 2) Don't have backup drummers and 3) Don't suddenly drop whatever they're studying just to appease their impulsive asshole of a leader. STILL, I expect these guys to be annoying by now, so the episode still has a chance to improve.
01:56-01:57 After what seemed like the longest number in the world, Blaine announces that this unchoreographed song performed entirely in the school hallway on the spur of the moment is their opening number for regionals. I'm starting to remember how hard it is to suspend your disbelief willingly when watching this show.
01:57-3:54 I'm really wriggling in my seat and sweating, now. This is less like watching a show and more like getting a sliver taken out. Kurt is an asshole, Blaine makes a stupid face, and Glee presents its first original song of the night. I'm not really sure if it's supposed to be funny, good, bad, or....just weird. It's Rachel's song about being an only child. I think it's supposed to be funny? I don't know, maybe Glee's humor is just too subtle and intricate for me.
4:40-5:32 This is the point where I had to stop the episode and go do something else for a while, like take a long walk and think about the direction my life has taken. Why is Quinn back to being a spoiled bitch again?! Didn't the experience of being a single mother change her at all!? Come to think of it, I thought she and Rachel were supposed to be cool now (alright, I admit, I watched last week's episode, mainly because I wanted to see how bad their take on sex education could get. Spoiler alert: Really, really bad). Do the people who write this show ever watch this show?
5:32-9:01 Oh, now I understand. The whole coolness with Rachel thing was all a sham on Quinn's part. Anyway, Kurt's bird dies solely so he can sing "Blackbird" (the bird was yellow, by the way). Everyone in the Warblers acts like this is a SUPER SERIOUS SAD MOMENT YOU GUYS even though we never see anybody except Blaine interact with Kurt, ever. Why they suddenly give a shit about this pompous asshole's dead canary is beyond me. It is at this point that my browser crashed, or committed suicide. I'm not sure which. Then Sue does something mean in order to advance the plot (see also: every episode of Glee ever). Then everybody decides that it would somehow be easy to write and arrange about a dozen original songs.
10:32-12:54 JESUS FUCK, WE GET IT GLEE. YOU HAVE LESBIANS ON YOUR SHOW AND SUE IS MEAN. MOVE THE FUCK ON. There's more annoying shit with the Warblers, who mostly exist to fellate Blaine and Kurt's egos. My hair has started to fall out.
13:17-14:28 YES! Oh my god, YES! Naya Rivera is going to sing! It's an original song! And it's actually kind of funny! Thank you, god. Thank you. Why isn't Naya Rivera the only actress on this show? I would honestly watch a show entirely about her wandering around an empty school and singing, sort of like "The Langoliers" as a musical. Of course, because it's good, it has to be cut short by a stupid plot point.
14:28-16:16 Wait, now Mark Sailing is doing a solo? And it's also kind of funny and catchy!? Wow, that can only mean that this episode is about to get really bad. The two best and most underused performers on the show have already gotten good, non-auto-tuned songs? This episode has clearly peaked too early.
16:16-17:24 Oh good, we're back to the overused relationship bullshit. Once again, Rachel gets to look sadly on as Finn and Quinn flirt. Great. I thought this episode was starting to show signs of quality and innovation. Thank god they went back to their "Glee Tropes" handbook and pulled this beauty back out. Thank god.
17:24-18:50 More boring bullshit with Blaine and Kurt. They kiss. I'm glad I'm at the age where this doesn't particularly surprise, shock, or interest me, or make me go "awwwww" and tweet about it. Once again, this entire scene is all about somebody telling Kurt that he's awesome. I still hate his stupid, douchey face and asshole, prickish demeanor.
18:50-.... I'm sorry, I passed out from pain after the awfulness and blatant racist stereotype that was Mercedes' song. Of course, Mercedes has always been an annoying black stereotype when not busy being a fat person stereotype. Now she decides to declare this to the world with a song called (and I'm not joking) "Hell to the no". You know, "School of Rock" did the whole "black belter who is shy about her weight" thing 10x better. I wish I was watching that movie right now. Really. I want that on DVD. And yes, dear, I am stalling right now. I missed the rest of the dialog in this scene, but I think it went something like this: "Smug smug smug. Smug SMUG smug smug smug smug? Smug. Smug smug Smug smug!"
The next scene: I stopped keeping track of time, because I no longer understand how time works. Rachel and Quinn have a stupid scene where they're mean to each other, and Quinn cries. I don't understand what's going on in this scene, but I think they just broke up. I think Ryan Murphy just needed a scene where somebody cries.
Decades later: I am in so much pain right now. This is physically hurting me. I can't believe I thought this would be a good idea. Is this blog post even funny? I sort of don't think it is. I kind of want to cry and hurt myself, and sing the Johnny Cash version of "Hurt". Oh my god, I'm singing songs that have a tenuous relationship to what I'm experiencing. Or am I experiencing things in order to have a tenuous relationship with a song? I don't even know anymore. I don't know what it is to be alive.
?????: Ummmmm, the regionals have started? I guess? And I guess the message of the first performance is that excellent choreography and strong vocals can't make up for the terrible TERRRRRRIBLE sin of having religious lyrics. So the first group is automatically the "joke" group. You know. Because "THOSE CRAZZZZZY RELIGIOUS FOLK"!
Some stupid Warbler shit: Kurt worries that he's going to forget the lyrics to his solo. Blaine politely reminds him that this is a duet, and that everything is autotuned and pre-recorded, so he has nothing to worry about.
That stupid duet: Blaine and Kurt give me physical pain. I really wish this show had a gay couple that wasn't THEM. How much more interesting would this be if it were, say, Kurt and Finn? I hate these two. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I've never seen such smug, irritating, preening shitheads that were meant to be taken seriously. They sound terrible together. Their voices do not meld well at all. Oh, and then we're immediately back to a Blaine solo, even when he just said that he doesn't want the group to be about him anymore.
The seventh circle: I hate myself for watching this. I really do. These competition episodes were fantastic in season 1; big productions of good songs with a proper context, understandable drama, interesting character development, the thrill of seeing something resembling a live show. I do not give a shit about what's happening right now.
Crying: Why does the show try to pretend that Finn and Rachel still have chemistry? Finn is a moron, and Rachel is a shrill nag. This was not always the case, but it is now. Watching them share "a moment" is like watching Rain Man and Lucille Bluth hit it off.
WHYYYYYY: Rachel's original song. What a generic piece of whiny crap. Kurt goes "oh my god...they're doing an original song". What I'm sure he meant was "Oh my godddddd, they're doing an ORIGINAL SONG!?!!" Finn, rather than running and screaming from this creepy girl who wrote an entire song about him, makes his "turned on" face. Because apparently he forgot that she is a crazy, possessive girlfriend.
The New Directions original song: WHAT!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I'm sorry, I just stabbed myself with the fork I was holding: That.....that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Seriously. That was awful. I hate music now. That sounded EXACTLY like what the theme song would be if this show were made in the eighties. It would be playing over the opening credits and goofy shots of the kids would come up with stupid text like "And MATTHEW MORRISON as Mr. Schue the Misogynist". Wow. WOW. I'm not even being biased. That might be the most annoying thing I've ever heard. I honestly think Rachel Black's "Friday" would have been less annoying.
A stupid SNL sketch breaks out: The judges deliberate. I don't get the joke. Oh HA HA HA it's a liberal nun, a Sarah Palin stand in, and a guy doing a bad Phil Hartman impression. I get it now. Yes, it's hilarious. FUCK YOU SHOW
Oh, the New Directions won. Didn't see that coming, considering there wouldn't be a show if they didn't have Nationals to prepare for. Oh, and Jane Lynch punches some other woman. It's really stupid, but it's also kind of awesome, so I'm willing to let it slide.
Wrapping up: Smug smug smug, smuggity smug "BOO HOO MY BIRD DIED" smug smug smug smug. SMUG SMUG SMUG RACHEL'S SO GREAT YOU GUYZZZZZ SMUG SMUGGITY SMUG SMUG.
Credits: *sob*
Anyway, let me sum up. This was a terrible, terrible hour of pain, but as episodes of Glee goes, it was alright. That is to say, it was not as bad as the worst episodes, but it was not as good as the...well, the good episodes. The good episodes that Glee apparently decided to stop wasting time on. Considering how much pain just an average episode of Glee put me through pretty much proves that I should not waste any more time on this show. SO it's back to swearing off Glee forever, or at least until they try another theme that's just too stupid-sounding to pass up.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some novocaine to inject into my bloodstream.
March 15, 2011
The Choices of Ghosts
This is the short film I wrote with my brother. It won the 24 Hour Film Festival in Washington, DC.
March 08, 2011
March 06, 2011
"Let the Right One In" is so good it kind of makes me hate it
It took me a while to get around to it, but I finally watched "Let the Right One In"-the enormously acclaimed Swedish vampire film from 2008-and I have to say....it's so good that I can't help but be angry at it. I am so jealous of John Lindqvist-the author whose book "Let the Right One In" is based on, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Basically, what he did was take the most heartwarming, sad story set-up he could come up with: a young, emotionally troubled, lonely boy meets a lonely, emotionally troubled girl with a terrible illness who lives with a lonely old man, who goes to great personal risk to keep the terrible illness from killing her. Except replace "with a terrible illness" with "who is a vampire". So now you have the saddest storyline married to the coolest monster (and yes, vampires are awesome. I don't care what cynical anti-vampire mindset the Twilight era has instilled in you) with a gorgeous snowy Sweden as your setting; yeah, I'm really, really jealous of whoever came up with this idea.
From what I've heard, the remake directed by Matt Reeves (the guy behind "Cloverfield", which I really liked) is actually really good too, something uncommon for American remakes of foreign horror films (or American remakes of any horror films, for that matter). So yeah, I guess I'm saying I want to see that too, although I might just end up hating it for how good it is.
Basically, what he did was take the most heartwarming, sad story set-up he could come up with: a young, emotionally troubled, lonely boy meets a lonely, emotionally troubled girl with a terrible illness who lives with a lonely old man, who goes to great personal risk to keep the terrible illness from killing her. Except replace "with a terrible illness" with "who is a vampire". So now you have the saddest storyline married to the coolest monster (and yes, vampires are awesome. I don't care what cynical anti-vampire mindset the Twilight era has instilled in you) with a gorgeous snowy Sweden as your setting; yeah, I'm really, really jealous of whoever came up with this idea.
From what I've heard, the remake directed by Matt Reeves (the guy behind "Cloverfield", which I really liked) is actually really good too, something uncommon for American remakes of foreign horror films (or American remakes of any horror films, for that matter). So yeah, I guess I'm saying I want to see that too, although I might just end up hating it for how good it is.
February 20, 2011
Fireworks: The Weirdest Music Video Ever?
As I've noted in a previous blog, I really don't mind Katy Perry. Unlike the Paris Hiltons and Kim Kardashians of the world, I think she comes by her fame mostly honestly. She's not a great singer, but she performs her songs in a way that only Katy Perry can, and I can respect that even while acknowledging that I will never, ever, EVER buy one of her albums. Unlike some celebrities, I think that she's earned her fame (yes, she's also famous because she looks like a porn star, but would she really be as popular with those looks and no personality?).
Even further, I think that "Fireworks" was made for a good cause. The "It Gets Better" program MIGHT partially be an opportunity for celebrities to insincerely declare how much they care about gay kids all while watching their stock in California climb upwards. BUT I'm sure many people involved are sincere, and there are definitely worse things you can do with your art than trying to prevent people from killing themselves. In other words, it's a celebrity-backed campaign that I'm actually not too cynical about.
That said, this has to be the weirdest attempt at an inspirational music video I've ever seen.
What is the message being spread here? That Katy Perry's boobs will explode, sending out a message of hope to the gay youths of America? Isn't that a really bad message to send to homosexual boys? "Feeling bad because you're gay? This woman's giant boobs will cure you of that! LOOK AT THEM!! THEY SPARKLE-EXPLODE!!!!"
Okay, maybe this video isn't aimed specifically at homosexuals (even though it's dedicated to It Gets Better). There IS a boy who appears to have cancer somewhere in there. Okay, so maybe this video is really aimed at all youths dealing with loneliness and alienation. But then again....FIREWORKS SHOOTING OUT OF HER BOOBS?!
Seriously, it's really hard to take this video seriously, especially with the whole "Katy Perry's Boobs on Sesame Street" fiasco (P.s., read that article for the french mime comparison. It's the most apt description of Katy Perry's acting I think I've ever heard). Whose idea was this? In fact, who thought that it would be a good idea to put Katy Perry in a super-serious video intended for underage young kids? I mean, her popularity is mostly based on being incredibly sexual and fun-loving. It's like they put her in this video to strip her of all sexual connotations whatsoever, and then killed it by putting a nuclear explosion on her chest.
Really, it's not a terrible music video (the California Gurls one is at least 1000% worse), but it does succeed in making me feel incredibly, incredibly uncomfortable by juxtaposing young boys with exploding breasts on a woman screaming "OH OH OHHHHH". That added to the fact that it takes away all of Perry's personality, making you even more aware that she isn't really that great a singer, and it makes the whole thing feel like a very well-meaning failure.
It doesn't help that I keep thinking one of those kids is about to explode.
Also, you can stop muggers by showing them magic tricks? Who knew?!
I would like to reiterate at this point that I really do support this cause and I hope we can avoid a repeat of the Rutgers tragedy. But still....EXPLODING PREGNANT MOM?!?!?!?
Even further, I think that "Fireworks" was made for a good cause. The "It Gets Better" program MIGHT partially be an opportunity for celebrities to insincerely declare how much they care about gay kids all while watching their stock in California climb upwards. BUT I'm sure many people involved are sincere, and there are definitely worse things you can do with your art than trying to prevent people from killing themselves. In other words, it's a celebrity-backed campaign that I'm actually not too cynical about.
That said, this has to be the weirdest attempt at an inspirational music video I've ever seen.
What is the message being spread here? That Katy Perry's boobs will explode, sending out a message of hope to the gay youths of America? Isn't that a really bad message to send to homosexual boys? "Feeling bad because you're gay? This woman's giant boobs will cure you of that! LOOK AT THEM!! THEY SPARKLE-EXPLODE!!!!"
Okay, maybe this video isn't aimed specifically at homosexuals (even though it's dedicated to It Gets Better). There IS a boy who appears to have cancer somewhere in there. Okay, so maybe this video is really aimed at all youths dealing with loneliness and alienation. But then again....FIREWORKS SHOOTING OUT OF HER BOOBS?!
Seriously, it's really hard to take this video seriously, especially with the whole "Katy Perry's Boobs on Sesame Street" fiasco (P.s., read that article for the french mime comparison. It's the most apt description of Katy Perry's acting I think I've ever heard). Whose idea was this? In fact, who thought that it would be a good idea to put Katy Perry in a super-serious video intended for underage young kids? I mean, her popularity is mostly based on being incredibly sexual and fun-loving. It's like they put her in this video to strip her of all sexual connotations whatsoever, and then killed it by putting a nuclear explosion on her chest.
Really, it's not a terrible music video (the California Gurls one is at least 1000% worse), but it does succeed in making me feel incredibly, incredibly uncomfortable by juxtaposing young boys with exploding breasts on a woman screaming "OH OH OHHHHH". That added to the fact that it takes away all of Perry's personality, making you even more aware that she isn't really that great a singer, and it makes the whole thing feel like a very well-meaning failure.
It doesn't help that I keep thinking one of those kids is about to explode.
Also, you can stop muggers by showing them magic tricks? Who knew?!
I would like to reiterate at this point that I really do support this cause and I hope we can avoid a repeat of the Rutgers tragedy. But still....EXPLODING PREGNANT MOM?!?!?!?
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