I know, I swore I would never watch another episode of Glee again. However, the prospect of seeing just how bad their attempts to do an episode containing original songs could be was too enticing to pass up. Also, I hate myself. Also, I hadn't blogged in a while, so I thought it might be fun for you to see the effect this episode has on me in real time.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you: Pete Q's reactions to Glee episode 2.16: "Original Song". IN REAL TIME!!!!
00:00-00:14 The Warblers (you know, that other Glee group populated entirely by gay men) are studying....something when Blaine bursts into the room and starts an impromptu rendition of a song I've never heard of (because I'm not twelve). I am already aggravated, and I remember one of the reasons I swore never to watch this shit again: A capella groups are 1) Not autotuned, 2) Don't have backup drummers and 3) Don't suddenly drop whatever they're studying just to appease their impulsive asshole of a leader. STILL, I expect these guys to be annoying by now, so the episode still has a chance to improve.
01:56-01:57 After what seemed like the longest number in the world, Blaine announces that this unchoreographed song performed entirely in the school hallway on the spur of the moment is their opening number for regionals. I'm starting to remember how hard it is to suspend your disbelief willingly when watching this show.
01:57-3:54 I'm really wriggling in my seat and sweating, now. This is less like watching a show and more like getting a sliver taken out. Kurt is an asshole, Blaine makes a stupid face, and Glee presents its first original song of the night. I'm not really sure if it's supposed to be funny, good, bad, or....just weird. It's Rachel's song about being an only child. I think it's supposed to be funny? I don't know, maybe Glee's humor is just too subtle and intricate for me.
4:40-5:32 This is the point where I had to stop the episode and go do something else for a while, like take a long walk and think about the direction my life has taken. Why is Quinn back to being a spoiled bitch again?! Didn't the experience of being a single mother change her at all!? Come to think of it, I thought she and Rachel were supposed to be cool now (alright, I admit, I watched last week's episode, mainly because I wanted to see how bad their take on sex education could get. Spoiler alert: Really, really bad). Do the people who write this show ever watch this show?
5:32-9:01 Oh, now I understand. The whole coolness with Rachel thing was all a sham on Quinn's part. Anyway, Kurt's bird dies solely so he can sing "Blackbird" (the bird was yellow, by the way). Everyone in the Warblers acts like this is a SUPER SERIOUS SAD MOMENT YOU GUYS even though we never see anybody except Blaine interact with Kurt, ever. Why they suddenly give a shit about this pompous asshole's dead canary is beyond me. It is at this point that my browser crashed, or committed suicide. I'm not sure which. Then Sue does something mean in order to advance the plot (see also: every episode of Glee ever). Then everybody decides that it would somehow be easy to write and arrange about a dozen original songs.
10:32-12:54 JESUS FUCK, WE GET IT GLEE. YOU HAVE LESBIANS ON YOUR SHOW AND SUE IS MEAN. MOVE THE FUCK ON. There's more annoying shit with the Warblers, who mostly exist to fellate Blaine and Kurt's egos. My hair has started to fall out.
13:17-14:28 YES! Oh my god, YES! Naya Rivera is going to sing! It's an original song! And it's actually kind of funny! Thank you, god. Thank you. Why isn't Naya Rivera the only actress on this show? I would honestly watch a show entirely about her wandering around an empty school and singing, sort of like "The Langoliers" as a musical. Of course, because it's good, it has to be cut short by a stupid plot point.
14:28-16:16 Wait, now Mark Sailing is doing a solo? And it's also kind of funny and catchy!? Wow, that can only mean that this episode is about to get really bad. The two best and most underused performers on the show have already gotten good, non-auto-tuned songs? This episode has clearly peaked too early.
16:16-17:24 Oh good, we're back to the overused relationship bullshit. Once again, Rachel gets to look sadly on as Finn and Quinn flirt. Great. I thought this episode was starting to show signs of quality and innovation. Thank god they went back to their "Glee Tropes" handbook and pulled this beauty back out. Thank god.
17:24-18:50 More boring bullshit with Blaine and Kurt. They kiss. I'm glad I'm at the age where this doesn't particularly surprise, shock, or interest me, or make me go "awwwww" and tweet about it. Once again, this entire scene is all about somebody telling Kurt that he's awesome. I still hate his stupid, douchey face and asshole, prickish demeanor.
18:50-.... I'm sorry, I passed out from pain after the awfulness and blatant racist stereotype that was Mercedes' song. Of course, Mercedes has always been an annoying black stereotype when not busy being a fat person stereotype. Now she decides to declare this to the world with a song called (and I'm not joking) "Hell to the no". You know, "School of Rock" did the whole "black belter who is shy about her weight" thing 10x better. I wish I was watching that movie right now. Really. I want that on DVD. And yes, dear, I am stalling right now. I missed the rest of the dialog in this scene, but I think it went something like this: "Smug smug smug. Smug SMUG smug smug smug smug? Smug. Smug smug Smug smug!"
The next scene: I stopped keeping track of time, because I no longer understand how time works. Rachel and Quinn have a stupid scene where they're mean to each other, and Quinn cries. I don't understand what's going on in this scene, but I think they just broke up. I think Ryan Murphy just needed a scene where somebody cries.
Decades later: I am in so much pain right now. This is physically hurting me. I can't believe I thought this would be a good idea. Is this blog post even funny? I sort of don't think it is. I kind of want to cry and hurt myself, and sing the Johnny Cash version of "Hurt". Oh my god, I'm singing songs that have a tenuous relationship to what I'm experiencing. Or am I experiencing things in order to have a tenuous relationship with a song? I don't even know anymore. I don't know what it is to be alive.
?????: Ummmmm, the regionals have started? I guess? And I guess the message of the first performance is that excellent choreography and strong vocals can't make up for the terrible TERRRRRRIBLE sin of having religious lyrics. So the first group is automatically the "joke" group. You know. Because "THOSE CRAZZZZZY RELIGIOUS FOLK"!
Some stupid Warbler shit: Kurt worries that he's going to forget the lyrics to his solo. Blaine politely reminds him that this is a duet, and that everything is autotuned and pre-recorded, so he has nothing to worry about.
That stupid duet: Blaine and Kurt give me physical pain. I really wish this show had a gay couple that wasn't THEM. How much more interesting would this be if it were, say, Kurt and Finn? I hate these two. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I've never seen such smug, irritating, preening shitheads that were meant to be taken seriously. They sound terrible together. Their voices do not meld well at all. Oh, and then we're immediately back to a Blaine solo, even when he just said that he doesn't want the group to be about him anymore.
The seventh circle: I hate myself for watching this. I really do. These competition episodes were fantastic in season 1; big productions of good songs with a proper context, understandable drama, interesting character development, the thrill of seeing something resembling a live show. I do not give a shit about what's happening right now.
Crying: Why does the show try to pretend that Finn and Rachel still have chemistry? Finn is a moron, and Rachel is a shrill nag. This was not always the case, but it is now. Watching them share "a moment" is like watching Rain Man and Lucille Bluth hit it off.
WHYYYYYY: Rachel's original song. What a generic piece of whiny crap. Kurt goes "oh my god...they're doing an original song". What I'm sure he meant was "Oh my godddddd, they're doing an ORIGINAL SONG!?!!" Finn, rather than running and screaming from this creepy girl who wrote an entire song about him, makes his "turned on" face. Because apparently he forgot that she is a crazy, possessive girlfriend.
The New Directions original song: WHAT!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I'm sorry, I just stabbed myself with the fork I was holding: That.....that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Seriously. That was awful. I hate music now. That sounded EXACTLY like what the theme song would be if this show were made in the eighties. It would be playing over the opening credits and goofy shots of the kids would come up with stupid text like "And MATTHEW MORRISON as Mr. Schue the Misogynist". Wow. WOW. I'm not even being biased. That might be the most annoying thing I've ever heard. I honestly think Rachel Black's "Friday" would have been less annoying.
A stupid SNL sketch breaks out: The judges deliberate. I don't get the joke. Oh HA HA HA it's a liberal nun, a Sarah Palin stand in, and a guy doing a bad Phil Hartman impression. I get it now. Yes, it's hilarious. FUCK YOU SHOW
Oh, the New Directions won. Didn't see that coming, considering there wouldn't be a show if they didn't have Nationals to prepare for. Oh, and Jane Lynch punches some other woman. It's really stupid, but it's also kind of awesome, so I'm willing to let it slide.
Wrapping up: Smug smug smug, smuggity smug "BOO HOO MY BIRD DIED" smug smug smug smug. SMUG SMUG SMUG RACHEL'S SO GREAT YOU GUYZZZZZ SMUG SMUGGITY SMUG SMUG.
Credits: *sob*
Anyway, let me sum up. This was a terrible, terrible hour of pain, but as episodes of Glee goes, it was alright. That is to say, it was not as bad as the worst episodes, but it was not as good as the...well, the good episodes. The good episodes that Glee apparently decided to stop wasting time on. Considering how much pain just an average episode of Glee put me through pretty much proves that I should not waste any more time on this show. SO it's back to swearing off Glee forever, or at least until they try another theme that's just too stupid-sounding to pass up.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some novocaine to inject into my bloodstream.
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